Lost & Found


This morning I had an argument with my BF and it did not go well. No surprise. Also no surprise that the argument started at point A and ended up at point Z or what I'd call "planet mars." My poor BF, he had no idea what hit him (metaphorically of course) but neither did I.

By the end of the argument, I found myself standing alone in the middle of the living room with tears threatening to stream from my eyes, and eventually they did. The feelings that arose were a powerful potion of regret, anger, sadness and perplexity as to my teaching experience in China in 92-93.

As some people know, I was interrogated in China in 1993 and my visa was unexpectedly cancelled because I allegedly broke the law. Later, Chinese officials admitted that they "may have made a mistake" which is pretty much an outright confession for having done something wrong and being sorry for it.

For years I always believed that what I set out to do in China came out of a sincere desire to teach and connect with students as a person of integrity and commitment that was grounded in my faith as a Christian. Although I still believe that my original intent was not ill-intended, I've come to question the value of what I did and for whose benefit.

The tears I shed was for that person of fervent faith of 25 plus years ago that simply no longer exists. The lack of political will to fight against injustice in all its forms, and the hypocrisy among evangelicals (albeit White and male) have soured me on a religion and faith that once sustained me from the age of 21. A religion and faith centered on the person and divinity of Christ that journeyed with me during my travails of culture shock, homesickness, and interrogation in China then abandonment and silence by the very organization that sent me there.

Another reason for the tears was the shock of even having them. I thought I had resolved what had happened (you can listen to my story here) yet it's clear that I haven't...or at least not completely. As my BF pointed out, all of what I have experienced has been a process...a process that is continuing to develop me as a human. A process for which my faith is no longer so simple but maybe becoming more sacrificial when it comes to loving God and loving others.




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